Thoughts of sadness
by Claude Amelia Song
Summary: There are some things which you cannot escape. Severus is finding himself in one of these situations and he doesn't know what to do.


**Summer Camp**

**Cabin Dumbledore**

**Task 1:** Write about someone who has gotten themselves into trouble, and find that they have no possible way of getting themselves out of it.

Word count: 1295

**Betaed by Ebenbild and Oni. Thank you so much!**

**Author's note: This is situated in modern times. Or we pretend mobiles were invented earlier.**

Severus kept the phone as far away as he could from his ear. He didn't want to hear the screaming on the other side. At the same time, he didn't want them to hear his muffled tears and desperation. It wasn't his fault this time. He had told his mother, he was sure of it. But it didn't help the surge of guilt that passed through him. After all the years of blaming himself for every wrong thing, he couldn't help but do it now, too. He was guilty in her eyes and it hurt so much. Money had always been an issue, that's why he was wary of moving again; he didn't know if his parents could afford it. Eileen was working hard, but his father was drinking most of her earnings away. Moving in with Lily had seemed like a good idea to save some money, considering they couldn't find cheaper places on their own.

Well, he hadn't thought everything through. He hadn't counted his mother unpredictable mood swings, a result of his father wearing her down day by day. He was in trouble and there was no way to get out of it . She simply couldn't give him the money and he knew it. She had been so furious when he'd told her the arrangement Lily wanted to take with their new accommodation. Paying every month instead of three big chunks seemed like a good idea. Now, he was sorry for telling her. He was planning to get a job soon; he could have asked for a much lower sum of money.

Now he was on speaker and both his parents were upset. New tears threatened to fall from his eyes. Eileen was still ranting on the phone, while his father, in a rare moment of nicety took the lead and started talking with him. But he couldn't really understand what he was saying. Since the phone was on speaker on their end, everything came to him with an echo. Severus could only hear his mother harsh screaming, even if he couldn't make out the words. If he'd known she would react that way, he would have never talked to her in the first place. He tried to end the phone call, tried to tell her he wouldn't take the fall for her not listening when he'd talked, but he couldn't do it.

He'd tried to, but his finger just couldn't touch the red button. His eyes were red, he was sure of it, and his nose was running, tears were falling. But she didn't hear that. And of course, she couldn't see him. His father did and tried to calm her. But Tobias had never been able to calm Eileen, the same way Eileen had never been able to stop Tobias from screaming and smashing stuff. What had his life become?

Severus was trapped. What was he going to do now? His father finally ended the call, saving him the trouble, but the fact still remained. Money. Why it was always money? Why couldn't money matter less in their eyes than him? He told her he would find a job; in fact he already had something in mind, where he would do nicely. He wasn't as useless as they believed him to be; he could make it. He _would_ make it. He just _had_ to. It wasn't going to get him out the trouble he was in now, though. Severus knew that a start was to eat less— well even less than he already did; buying less food saved money. Yeah, that was what he was going to do. Noodles sounded good for the foreseeable future. As for clothes, he didn't need to buy new ones either. James and Sirius were still making fun of him, but he didn't care. He didn't know how he would have survived uni without Lily. She was his ray of sunshine. She wasn't rich either, so she understood. They joked together about parents and stuff, but she didn't understand how serious his trouble was. How could she? Her parents were different, much more different than his own. They were kind. Although, he assumed they were a rarity in the world.

Severus dropped the phone onto his bed and started crying in earnest. He had only wanted to find a place to move with his friend and his mother had been so enthusiastic in the beginning. And when he had, he had told her everything. She had been the first person he had called… after Lily. Why was she so bad at maths that she hadn't understood the cost from day one? And again, the nagging feeling of guilt came back. It was his fault. It had to be, wasn't it? He only brought trouble to people. And now he'd messed up by not explaining well enough how much money she would have to pay.

"Severus? Are you there?" Lily's muffled voice came through the closed door.

Right— he'd almost forgotten she was there, outside of his room, waiting to see what his parents thought about her proposition to pay monthly instead of all at once. But it was still too much. Way too much. And his mother went crazy when it came to money. She blamed everyone but herself. She always said, "but you didn't tell me that" even though he had. It hurt so much. Sometimes, Severus felt guilty for even breathing when around her, but he figured if he stopped breathing, it wouldn't get him out of trouble. He would just enter a bigger problem. And he would leave trouble behind for everyone else to deal with. He couldn't die with that kind of guilt.

Severus snorted. That was a nice joke. He stood up from the bed, wiping his eyes and nose in the process. He wasn't going to look better in any case, but...it was worth a try. Lily would ask what was wrong, and he would have to answer. That was what usually happened. And she would hug him and tell him that everything was going to be alright. But nothing was going to be alright. Nothing was ever alright. Each time there was something else that happened and things would go explosive in his house, with awful words and insults thrown like in a football match. He had the phone closed, wondering if his mother was okay after all that screaming and he couldn't help but imagining what was still happening all the way back home. Did she calm down? He hoped she did, it wasn't good for her health. He hadn't helped by confronting her in the beginning of her bad understanding skills, he'd just made more trouble.

Sometimes he would think about quitting, about giving up, then he would remember that Lily needed him at least to pay the other half of the rent. He couldn't die. He couldn't just stop. She was a flicker of light in the darkness, a sunshine poking the clouds. But still, she wasn't a solution to get out of trouble, merely a means to carry on the trouble and fall.

"Severus! What are you doing? I can hear you! Open the door, please!"

He smiled a bit at that. She'd guessed he was hiding yet again.

He pulled the door open, eyes wary of what her reaction would be.

"Hi Lily," he murmured, looking at her straight in the face. She was so radiant. And he was not. All he did was bring trouble, or get in trouble. He was an awful friend, but she made him not hate his life.

"Oh, Severus," was all she said before hugging him tight.

And that was all it took for him to start crying again. He didn't know how he was going to make it this time.


End file.
